One more drill. I was super tired on Friday after getting little sleep on Wednesday night and working an overnight EMT shift Thursday. The bus ride to Ft. Dix was crowded and those school bus seats don't get any more comfortable as you get older. The barracks were nice enough though the food could have been better.

I shot a 37 out of 40, which was very good but one short of expert, which was my goal. Argh. It was a hell of a lot better than some others (loooong story). The usual hurry-up-and-wait routine, cleaning m-16s (Aviation Cleans the Way!), too much drinking and not enough sleeping. Not a bad weekend actually.

I bought Gabe a couple of UH-60 postcards. He says "hawk" now. He's so cute. I really do miss him when I'm gone.

Which leads me to the big decision of the week: extend my enlistment or get the eff out of dodge. I told our retention NCO that unless they can get me a medic slot with the Med I won't even consider it. That got an interesting response because rumor is that the Med is deploying to the big sandbox in the next year. Even other soldiers seem to share my family's incredulousness that anyone would want to deploy. Maybe it is just me, but I think that's such a sad commentary on patriotism (and not the knee-jerk kind that you buy in Wal-Mart). I would feel empty about sending anyone else to take my place. I supported the war and still think it was te right thing to do, even if I do have serious questions about how we've handled things. It seems pretty hollow and cowardly to walk away now that I have a chance to be a part of it.

Don't get me wrong, there are obvious downsides. Being away from Gabe would be torture, and he'd spend 18 months without a dad. I could deal with the never-ending pain in the ass that living in Iraq would be, but it wouldn't be fun by any stretch of the imagination. Anyone who knows me knows how I hate the heat. I've seen a little as an EMT. I don't think anything can prepare me for the carnage I'd see over there, and I know that would change me somehow. I've read enough to know that it won't be for the better. I would miss other things, too: my new job, nursing school, friends, family...yeah and other things. And there's the little issue of Kate (justifyably) divorcing my GI Ass if I (for all intents and purposes) voluntered for deployment. So yeah, I have concerns. Aside from the personal issues, I couldn't help but notice that 3 more blackhawks went down this weekend. I'm the last person to pull out the "flying is dangerous" card, but I have to confide in you that flying in blackhawks isn't the safest thing to do even when people aren't shooting at you. The med still flies the hell out of their few remaining hueys and there's a good reason they prefer them over maintenance hogs like the hawk. When you add in a few hundred thousand militants with RPGs, SAMs, rifles, bombs, rocks and kitchen sinks it becomes a rather suicidal prospect to be a medevac crew in Iraq for 12 months. Perhaps it's a radically pessimistic estimate but I'd give myself a 50/50 chance of getting back home without at least being wounded. Those aren't good odds. And while one part of me says that shouldn't prevent me from doing what I think is right, the other part says I would be an utter lunatic not to when I have a kid to worry about.

It's a lot to think about, and I'm way to tired to be doing that right now.